Do not embarass your friend
Verse: ולא תשא עליו חטא
Command: Do not embarass your friend
Vayikra 19:17
SMG
[there is a negative Mitzva] prohibiting one from embarrassing a Jewish person, as it says in the verse[i] הוכח תוכיח את עמיתך ולא תשא עליו חטא, meaning, as we learnt in the Gemara[ii], do not rebuke him harshly until his complexion changes. And if the Torah cared about preventing a person from being embarrassed while being rebuked [for something they did wrong], certainly [one is prohibited from embarrassing someone] when not rebuking them. And we learnt in the Gemara[iii], one who embarrasses his friend in public has no share in the World-to-Come.[1] Similarly, one should not issue a nickname to one’s friend [α] that he is embarrassed by. This [prohibition against not embarrassing a person while rebuking] applies when the person has done something wrong – interpersonally. But, when someone does something against heaven, if after being [properly] rebuked in private, the person persists, then we do embarrass him publicly and let everyone know his sin [even] to his face, and we harass and curse him until he returns to being good, as did all the prophets of the Jewish people.[2]
[1] This ruling was issued by King Dovid who was tormented by his detractors in the Sanhedrin, and they questioned him in public ‘what is the ruling regarding one who has committed adultery’ [in reference to Dovid’s sin with one of his wives with whom he had a relationship while the former husband was still alive, relying on the divorce that soldiers issue in case they do not survive battle]. Dovid answered, ‘his punishment is death by strangulation. But still such a person has a share in the World-to-Come, while those who embarrass another in public do not.’
[2] Those who agreed to carry the rebuke to the people. There were prophets like Yona who refused to rebuke the people, since once warned they were responsible for the consequences, and G‑d killed those prophets or otherwise punished them. [see positive Mitzva 6]
[i] Vayikra 19:17
[ii] Gem. Eraĉin 16b
[iii] Gem. Bava Metzia 59a
AMUDAY SHLOMO
[α] meaning to exclude a nickname that does not imply anything embarrassing, but it does not exclude a nickname which [is intrinsically embarrassing even though] the person himself is not embarrassed – that it would be permitted. [Such a nickname is not permitted. An embarrassing nickname is not permissible even when the person referred do does not feel shame by its use.] Since in the Gemara the question is raised, how is the prohibition against an embarrassing nickname something added to the prohibition against embarrassing a friend. And the Gemara answers when ‘he tramples it [the nickname]’ which as Rashi explains:
meaning the person has gotten used to the nickname as applying to him, and therefore he doesn’t feel embarrassment any longer. Nevertheless, since its purpose is to embarrass him – [using] it is forbidden.
Which teaches us that using such a nickname is forbidden even if the person to whom it refers is no longer embarrassed.
RASHI
Rashi provides the following commentary on the verse:
- ולא תשא עליו חטא – do not embarrass him in public.
Rashi clearly states that this verse means one may not embarrass one’s friend in public [even when rebuking him].
Discussion by SMS
Use of negative nicknames in the Torah:
- Eisav – in the verse[i] ויקראו שמו עשו – everyone called him Eisav because he was hairy [עשו can mean fully made, and he was born with the hair of an adult]. I heard once from R’ Chaim Boruch Brody shlita, the following lesson – when it comes to naming Yaakov, the Torah says ויקרא, and he [Yitzĉok] named him that. But when it comes to Eisav, the Torah says ויקראו that’s what everyone called him. This is what happens when you start calling a child Eisav – he grows up to be an Eisav.
- There are also other examples of gentile people named for their bad behaviors, but it isn’t clear[1] if they were actually named that, or if the Torah ascribed such a name to them based on their behaviors.
- Bus’mas – Eisav married the daughter of Yishmael, and sister of n’Vayos. Her name is recorded as Bus’mas and Muh’ĉalas[ii]. Rashi notes the discrepancy and states that she was given the name Muh’ĉalas [when she married Eisav] to teach us that when a person marries, their prior sins are forgiven. Likely, she was originally named Bus’mas related to the Hebrew בושם for the incense she would smoke for idolatry – as the next chapter begins with Yitzĉok being blinded from the smoke.
- Bas Ana | Bas Tzivon – Rashi notes[iii] the following convoluted family tree. Ana was the son of Tzivon[iv] Ahali’vama was the daughter of both: Tzivon had sex with his daughter-in-law, Ana’s wife, resulting in the birth of Ahali’vama. Tzivon also the brother of Ana[v] as he had sex with his mother resulting in Ana being both his brother and his son.
Ahali’vama was thus both the daughter, and niece of Tzivon – as Tzivon was both her father (with her mother) and uncle (her mother’s husband’s brother).
Eisav’s wife Ada had a firstborn son, who was Eliphaz[vi]. Eliphaz had a concubine named Timna, with whom they produced Amalek.[vii]
Timna was the sister of Lotan[viii] who was also the brother of Tzivon. Timna was thus sister of Tzivon as well, although probably not from the same set of parents. Since Ahali’vama was Tzivon’s daughter, that makes Timna her aunt. But Ahali’vama was also Eisav’s other wife[ix] – which makes her Ahali’vama a niece of Timna’s and her mother-in-law.
Since Amalek is the son of Timna as well as Eisav, that makes him the grandson of Eisav (son of Eliphaz, son of Eisav). He is also the son of Timna, who was the aunt of his mother. Which makes his mother his own first cousin, and his grandfather married his first cousin. At this point I think English does not have words to describe just how convoluted the ancestral tree of the arabs are. As for the meaning of the name – Ahali’vama means, ‘my tent is an altar’, presumably an altar to promiscuity given her tent had an open-door policy.
Unfortunately, such negative nicknaming wasn’t reserved for the evil people of the region, but were also applied to righteous people:
- Yosef – in the verse[x] הנה בעל החלומות הלזה בא – Yosef came on a mission from his father to seek out the welfare of his brothers. Shimon and Levi were jealous of the favoritism displayed by their father, and upon seeing him, they exclaimed to the other brothers ‘here comes the Dreamer’ reminding them of the dreams that Yosef had asked them to interpret. This awoke the jealousy of the other brothers, and they ended up selling Yosef. Who knows what would have happened if they would have instead called him Yosef, from the phrase[xi] יסף ה’ לי בן אחר – which not only has the Ĉassidic interpretation of the trait found in the Jewish people to always seek to draw estranged Jews close, but also represented the prophecy our matriarchs had that there were exactly twelve (12) tribes in the Jewish people, Yosef being one of them. Which could have got them thinking that they couldn’t and shouldn’t seek his harm.
- Pinĉas – in the verse[xii] telling us of Elazar the son of Aharon’s marriage, the Torah describes his wife as being מבנות פוטיאל. Rashi quotes the Gemara[xiii] that the name פוטיאל was a nickname which was ascribed to both Yisro since he would ‘fatten’ calves to be used in service of idolatry and to Yosef who ‘mocked’ his natural desires to have sex with Potifar’s wife. Later, when Pinĉas rose up to kill Zimri when the Jews sinned with the daughters of Moav, the Torah[xiv] identifies Pinĉas as the son of Elazar, the son of Aharon. Rashi explains based on the Gemara[xv] why his genealogy was listed, because people were making fun of him as being a descendent of someone who served idols, calling him a Ben Puti[2]. In this instance, the Torah shows his zealousness was well placed, thank G‑d, resulting in the plague being halted, and a new family branch of Kohanim being created. But had such a nickname been attached to a lesser person, who knows how much harm it could have caused them.
- Shlomis bas Divri – on the verse[xvi] regarding the blasphemer; his father’s name is not mentioned because he was the illegitimate son of an Egyptian rapist, the only Jewish woman to have been raped during that exile. His mother’s name is given as שלומית בת דברי. She was called Shlomis bas Divri because she would always go around with a friendly disposition saying Shalom to everyone in an attempt to remain friendly and positive even having been the victim of a terrible crime. Had the Jews, instead of scorning her friendliness as being inappropriate for a lady (perhaps even implying that she brought the rape on herself with her outgoing personality), been kind and compassionate toward her and her child – perhaps the whole blasphemy saga would not have occurred [See discussion on negative Mitzva 16], and perhaps the Mitzva prohibiting blasphemy could have remained a theoretical Mitzva.
[1] While there is no such thing as a coincidence, especially in the Torah, I think it would be unlikely for a gentile to name a child something that is meaningless in their own language but does have meaning in Hebrew.
This difference of opinion as to whether meaning can be ascribed to people’s names based on the associated phonetic properties when rendered in Hebrew is a difference of opinion recorded in the Gemara [Gem. Yoma 83b].
Rabbi Yehuda and Rabbi Yosi would not ascribe meaning, while Rabbi Meir would. Once the three of them were walking on the road and came to a place to stay. They sought out a guest house and when they found it, they asked as to the owner’s name. The owner was named כידור – Key’Door. Rabbi Meir ascertained that he must be wicked because the name was a homophone with the verse [Devarim 32:20] כי דור תהפוכות המה. [In Greek, καισαρ means Caesar which is likely what he was named.]
Rabbi Yehuda and Rabbi Yosi gave their purses to the innkeeper for safekeeping (presumably this was erev Shabbos afternoon), but Rabbi Meir didn’t trust him, and he placed his purse at the gravesite of the father (presumably the innkeepers – probably in the family graveyard). That evening, the innkeeper had a dream in which his father appeared to him telling him of the purse that was by the headstone. He related the dream to the sages, who told him that the dream was meaningless, as it had occurred in the evening. But Rabbi Meir decided to sit by the purse to ensure he didn’t act on the dream anyway.
The next day, they asked him for the purses which they had entrusted in his care, and he denied that had occurred. They didn’t press the matter, and instead demanded why Rabbi Meir hadn’t told them he was wicked. Rabbi Meir responded he didn’t ascertain he was actually wicked, he just had suspicions based on the name. They brought the innkeeper to a bar and plied him with drinks until he was passed out. They saw he had lentils in his mustache and went back to his wife telling her that the innkeeper had determined to give them back their purses and as a sign that they were telling the truth, he had told them that he had had lentils in the prior meal. She was fooled and gave them their purses. When the innkeeper found out, he killed her in rage.
As a result, they too began to pay attention to people’s names. When they came to a house whose landlord was named בלה – Bella [presumably after the Latin for handsome] they decided not to stay there as this was a homophone with the verse [Yeĉezkel 23:43] ואמר לבלה נאופים.
Without knowing which language was in use when the gentiles mentioned above were named, it is difficult to know if their names were actually phonetically transcribed in the Torah which ‘happens’ to have negative connotations in Hebrew, or if they were given descriptive names in the Torah based on their actions. A positive example of this is Yesser, Moshe’s father-in-law, so named because he caused an extra parsha to be added to the Torah – namely that of the setting up of a judicial hierarchal system for the Jewish people.
[2] The following is not stated by neither Rashi nor the Gemara, but perhaps we can say the term בן פוטי wasn’t just derogatory because of the association with Yisro’s previous job of being a priest to idols, perhaps it also refers to Yosef’s time in the house of Potifar. The Torah [Beraishis 41:50] names Yosef’s wife אסנת בת פוטי פרע – perhaps they were claiming that Yosef indeed succumbed to the wife of Potifar producing illegitimate children, אסנת being the daughter and wife of Yosef, whose granddaughter / daughter married Elazar producing Pinchas.
[i] Beraishis 25:25
[ii] Beraishis 26:34, 28:9, 36:3
[iii] Beraishis 36:2
[iv] Beraishis 36:24
[v] Beraishis 36:20
[vi] Beraishis 36:10
[vii] Beraishis 36:12
[viii] Beraishis 36:22
[ix] Beraishis 36:18
[x] Beraishis 37:19
[xi] Beraishis 30:24
[xii] Shemos 6:25
[xiii] Gem. Sota 43a & Gem. Bava Basra 109b-110a
[xiv] Bamidbar 25:11
[xv] Gem. Sanhedrin 82b
[xvi] Vayikra 24:11
Key
Phraseology
- מלבין פני חברו – normally the word to use for embarrassment is בושה, here the term used is lit. translated as ‘whiten your friends face’ – because when embarrassed, [after blushing] the blood can drain away from the face, resulting in a relatively white face.